#75: Have You Not Wasted Your Time?
wasted in self-conflict, fear, and defending ego
Time never fails to arrive. With my flight from America to Uzbekistan tomorrow, I feel a compounding sense of shortness of my last day. I cannot appease my concerns with a promise of a future realization. This is it. This is the end. I have run out of my time.
I look at my best friend, and ask myself: “Were your doubts, cynicism, and ego defense worth it? Did you not utterly waste your precious last days together?” I looked back at this semester, and asked: “Was it worth it to doubt, to over-plan and under-act, to over-fear and under-commit? Were your guilt and hesitation worth anything at all?” Finally, I ask: “Did you get what you want, or did you run in circles until your time was up?”
I think back to myself in August: full of naive hope, goals, and plans for a better happier future. As the semester dies, my attempts fade in the face of the wasted time: wasted in self-conflict, fear, and defending ego. It won’t be too many mini-deaths like this one before the real one arrives. I will ask myself then: